Frankie Light, a “YouTube polyglot,” made Yiddish go viral without even knowing the language.The tapes captured the soundtrack to a critical juncture in gay history as the AIDS crisis emerged. There have always been infertile straight couples in need of donor sperm, but with the legalization of gay marriage and the rise of elective single motherhood, the market has expanded over the last decade. About 20 percent of sperm bank clients are heterosexual couples, 60 percent are gay women, and 20 percent are single moms by choice, the banks said.
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To meet this demand, men provided sperm at a steady rate for years, some banks said. New donor sign-ups stopped for months during lockdown and never really bounced back at some banks. Several banks said that they had a lot of old frozen sperm in storage, but that it could last only so long. My boyfriend of a year says he is bisexual.“Donor recruiting is a growing challenge,” said Scott Brown, vice president of strategic alliances for California Cryobank. I knew this from the beginning because we met on a dating app and he had that clearly stated in his profile. However, what I am concerned about is that he is using me as a stepping stone to acknowledging to himself that he is gay, or that he wants to be in a heterosexual relationship in order to reap the social benefits (having kids, generally being accepted in society, etc.). I’m worried because (a) he’s never been with a man before and being with me means he won't get that experience (assuming he doesn't cheat) and (b) he comes from an extremely religious family in the South who would likely not be able to accept his homosexuality (or even bisexuality). I once asked him when we first started dating if he was with me to appease his family, whom he's very close with, and he said "Kind of" but that he still found me attractive.
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He's been going to therapy for a couple of months now and occasionally makes jokes about how his body and mind are often in conflict, like when I return from traveling with an infectious cold and we can’t be intimate, and I have to scratch my head on that. I'm worried that we will spend years together, possibly get married, have kids, and then he will come to grips that he is in fact actually gay. Or that he's transgender and going to get a sex change. He sometimes acts effeminate and dresses extremely flamboyantly. I have no problem with people who identify in these ways, but I personally don’t have an interest in being romantically involved with someone who does. I have a very strong sneaking suspicion that he’s biding his time until his parents die or until he decides that he's going to come out to them as gay.
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Should I stay with him and think about a future, knowing full well that he could tell me one day that he's actually gay and wants to be with a man, or that he wants to transition, and leave me with a bunch of baggage, such as getting a divorce (sharing custody of kids, finances), and time/energy/effort lost? How much should I invest in this relationship with those inconvenient truths that might very well be on the horizon? You have a lot of questions about your boyfriend’s sexuality, and feeling uneasy with this kind of uncertainty is natural.
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In intimate relationships, most people value the safety that comes from knowing what to expect from the other person.
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That’s why changes in those expectations can be jarring and threaten an entire relationship, as when one person in a longtime monogamous couple wants an open relationship-or, in the scenario you’re concerned about, when one person in a heterosexual relationship realizes (or comes to acknowledge) that he wants a same-sex partner instead. What strikes me most about your letter, though, is the amount of emotional energy you’re putting into guessing your boyfriend’s state of mind. The more you ruminate about his potential turmoil, the more turmoil you create for yourself. And even as you worry about whether he might be keeping his thoughts from you, you’re also keeping your thoughts from him. In a strong relationship, the kind that goes the distance, people feel comfortable discussing delicate subjects. It’s true that a sexual incompatibility might end your relationship, but what can do so just as easily is avoidance.